These are actual letters sent in by you - the curious Blumpist. Advice, complaints, suggestions... remember, Hamish always has the last word!
March 3, 2004
(First, let me say) Hi to Gary and John. We missed you guys down there. More than a few times someone mentioned all the guys in Ohio and New York chuckling as they checked the Weather Channel on Friday.
Jim, Mike, Larry and I drove down. We had planned to play a warm-up in Fayetteville on Thursday, but nine inches of snow fell, the most in 11 years. We did play the Pearl East on Friday. The forecast was for scattered sleet with 41° temps, but it was worse; it was 33°, with 20 mph winds and steady rain. The guys who had rain gear fared pretty well, but for the rest I think I can attest it was horrid. Two guys staggered off with DNFs, and were therefore DQed from the tournament. I finished with the best round, a 104. I had early signs of hypothermia as I walked to the clubhouse: uncontrollable shivering, numb fingers and toes. Larry was second with a 108. Everybody else was anywhere from 115 to 130.
On Saturday we played Sea Trail. It was mostly sunny with temps about 65-70. It was tough, mainly because it had more ridiculously penal OB than I remembered. There are so many homes built so close to the fairways that virtually every hole had white stakes down both sides from tee to green just off the short stuff, and of course we played stroke-and-distance. Again I shot a 104; Larry shot a 102, so I retained a 2-stroke lead. My biggest problem at that point was my putting. I missed a shitload of 2-4 foot putts. I hit driver and long irons best. Everybody else was 112-125. No sinfulness this year.
We saw George Thorogood play at House of Blues that night, which was a fricking great show. Some of the boys went to Bottoms Up afterwards but left after 15 minutes because the chicks were so skanky.
Sunday we played a course that opened in 2000, Crow Creek. We had a 12:42 tee time but there was an hour frost delay, so we didn't tee off till 1:40, with a very real possibility that we wouldn't be able to finish. Lots of trouble everywhere but not terribly long. Tons of traps and water, with probably 8-10 holes being severe doglegs. Nice weather in the morning, turning chilly and overcast in the afternoon. Again, I drove the ball nicely and had my 3- and 5-irons working great, but again I missed a lot of short putts!!!! We hit our approach shots into 18 with darkness all around us. I shot a 99, but Larry shot a 90 to take a 7-stroke lead. Jim nailed a drive on one hole that hit an Eastern Finch about 80 yards into its flight, decapitating it in mid-air. His ball was barely bumped off course into the shit.
Monday the wheels came off for me at Pearl West. It was much, much tougher than the East course, but also more beautiful. Long and tough, mostly woodlands with lots of water on every hole. Egrets, cranes, herons, hawks and falcons all over. This time my driver failed me along with my putter, although everyone agreed the pin placements were the hardest of the weekend. It was a long-ass target golf course. The last group was me, Larry, Jim and Demos. I shot a 119, Larry a 112, and Jim closed with a hard-charging 102, though not enough to get second place. Weather was the best on Sunday, calm conditions, sunny and about 72°. All in all, an excellent Blumpee, and everyone loved the hotel. Enclosed are some photos.
Hugs and Kisses,
Let me get this straight. Demos played in the last group on Monday? It WAS a small field, wasn't it. I noticed you didn't mention his score. Yikes, I bet it was atrocious. At least he finished.
Thanks for the update,
February 17, 2004
My name...Is Tom Dowd. I believe I should have a * to Denotes (sic) that I was a past CHAMP! Maybe not in score... but in sprit and love of the game!
I am also upset that the site has NOT been updated to alert the world that I am again returning to the Blumpee! I am a star attraction and demand star treatment!
I am not sure if this is the forum, but I do not feel safe sleeping in the same room as one very skinny Blumpest (sic) (with blond hair and glasses) that I will not name. I also have a rash that will not go away. Please help....
Tom (return to glory) Dowd
Well, well, I guess you win a lap dance. You are the only MIA to re-join and experience the joy of Blumpee-dom! There is only one caveat to the lap dance "bounty" - it was NOT meant for a gay strip club! You will have to endure a female, for once. Oh well, doesn't GNC sell "Fleet Enemas"? Maybe you can insert one before your lap dance and feel all cozy.
Bring your $2 bills,
February 21, 2000
Any rumor that I am not attending is greatly exaggerated. (Plus,
Taylor threatened to kick my ass.)
Whew - what a relief! Not only did you put about $7 back into each Blumpists pocket, you have ensured that will have 4 "C" players. So I guess you'll be partners with Demaree.
All the rumors are fit to print,
January 27, 2000
A great injustice has been perpetuated and I can no longer stay silent.
One G.D. McGriff - by the way a four-time winner of the Blumpee - has nothing to show for it. The first year he didn't take honors, the winner of this great tournament was awarded a trophy.
What about McGriff? Doesn't he deserve something? As a founding member he has shaped the Blumpee. Give him his due.
Yours in Golf,
P.S. We'll miss you Spence!
Dear Poor, Stupid Mick,
Where do I start? Firstly, do you think Spence (Steve, that is) was thinking about you when you skipped the Blumpee? "Hell NO"; all that boy has on his mind is making sure he is never so drunk that he mistakenly puts a 5-dollar bill between his teeth before leaning backwards onto Thee Doll House's runway!!
Now you work at a newspaper, right? That is the only way to explain all the errors in your letter! You spelled my name wrong AND said Gary was a four-time winner - he won the first 5!! What does he deserve? C'mon - he is the Tournament Librarian - an honored title! Jeeshhh! How about YOU set up something for him, you and your (admittedly) "purdy" lips?
Yours in the Blumpee Brotherhood,
January 3, 2000
A few of my loyal followers have notified me that Demos "Anti-" Christ Ioannou organizes a golf outing every year known as the Blumpee Open. Given the tourney's name and the level of depravity practiced by its participants, I think I would be an ideal sponsor of the event. Although I am not, strictly speaking, a corporation, I'm in the process of having two (of my many) lawyers-Sc. Spencer and T. Robinson- draft the necessary papers. Kindly forward information regarding corporate sponsorships of the Blumpee. I can arrange the post-match entertainment and various other amenities for the participants, but I would like to know what I would get out of the deal aside from the winner's soul (which I already own). Only I have the power to arrange for the tourney organizer to leave Myrtle Beach with the trophy. So... can we strike a deal?
Dear Demon formerly known as the Prince of Darkness,
First of all, how dare you sully the reputation of all lawyers! You know, it's 99% of lawyers that give the rest a bad name. Next, how dare you post on this site. Everyone knows that the Blumpee is blessed! Seven years in a row and not a single round has been missed because of bad weather. This was not YOUR doing, my cloven-hooved friend! The Lord Almighty rules the Blumpee! He is our shepherd, even if some of the flock are "black sheep." Overall the Blumpee is primarily made of God-fearing, respectable men; dedicated to the Lord and their families. Now, this year, PING is the sponsor. Next year, maybe. However, answer me this, Beelzebub: If Scott and Tim are yours minions, why is it that the only trophy that they both compete for is "Most Strokes"? Huh? Tell me that!
Praise be to the most High - Jah,
March 18, 1999
Update the website, you wanker!
In Jesus' Name,
Wanker? Wanker?! Do you know how long it takes to come up with the pithy captions, the website design, backgrounds? Do you think it is easy?
Well let me tell you something, Mister 5-time Blumpee champ! I've been very lazy, OK?
Praise be to Jah,
March 10, 1999
I heard rumors of cheating at the 1999 Blumpee and I want to clear
something up before Ken Starr enters the scene.
I dubbed a drive that didn't clear the red tees. One of my playing
partners said that I owed them a Weenie Walk. Now I love my penis and
actually enjoy showing it around, but it was a cool day and I was a
little concerned about shrinkage.
So I kept it in my pants. Is this a penalty? Am I disqualified or
something? I took stroke-and-distance penalties twice on balls I hit
O.B. on the final day. Honest. I try to live up to your ideals. But I'm unclear on the penis ruling. Can you help me?
Ever yours in our blessed Virgin's tears,
As far as the cheating goes, see the letter below.
Now about the unseemly weenie walk; there is nothing in the USGA rules about a weenie walk. I suspect this tradtion has been kept alive by those, uh, let's say 'delicate' golfers who think of something entirely different when you mention 'stroke play.'
So, really, I must defer to an expert in evaluating the circumstances of a weenie walk, namely Timmy Robinson.
Yours in Rastafarianism,
March 2, 1999
First of all, what an excellent Blumpee!! It could not have been put together any better. I'm sure that I speak for all Blumpists when I say "Tank yew" for your efforts. Having said that, however, there are a few items that I feel need addressed.
There are tournament rules, and in fairness to all players, they need to be adhered to. Page one says "Count all strokes". That means if one hits the @#%*ing ball out of bounds, one is obligated to take what is commonly referred to as stroke and distance. Let me repeat---COUNT ALL STROKES!!!!!!!!!!!!! If a Blumpist doesn't want to give an accurate count, fine. But that person needs to be a man about it, and not join the betting pool and remove himself from the rankings so as not to affect the whole field (or other fledgling players like himself). Which brings me to the other point of.....
.....If one wants to bet on 6-point, greenies, etc. then be prepared to pay up at the end of the round for Christ's sake. It is horseshit for someone to have to chase down a loser to gets his money. If someone doesn't have the cash to pay up if he loses, HE SHOULD NOT BET! I can't believe that some grown men need to have this revealed to them, but unfortunately it occurred at this past Blumpee. How crass. If some hemorrhoid had done that to me, I'd have taken his putter for collateral !!!
Well, Hamish, that's all the bullshit I can muster for now. Please address these concerns before Blumpee 2000. A "basic rules" handbook would be nice. That way the cheaters will know exactly how to shave there scores.
Wow, another letter that I didn't have to "spice up", I'm mean edit. You are truly converted brother! There are some who think, "Oh, hell - I already have a '8' - why bother adding it up?" You have detailed precisely the negative impacts of cheating along with friendly wagering.
There was an incident a few years ago where a rookie shaved a lot of strokes off the qualifying day. When his rampant cheating was exposed - it was too late for his team. He qualified a s a 'B' player - BUT WAS ACTUALLY A 'D' PLAYER!! His team was out of the running the rest of the way.
My advice? If you are going to bring a friend (as a rookie) - it is YOUR HOLY DUTY to tell them that there can be no cheating! If you like, take all the 'Mulligans' you want back home. It does not exist in the Blumpee Open. If you don't know the rules about what constitutes OB vs a hazard - LOOK IT UP! Standing water? Usually you get relief - and some players don't know that! Touching the ball in the fairway? NEVER! In 1998, Payne Stewart was on his way to the US Open Championship when his drive ended up in a divot on the fairway. Too damn bad. He played it - you have to, too!
Back on the high horse,
March 9, 1999
I just wanted to make an observation about the 1999 Blumpee rookies -
Dan, Mike, Harley and Larry. I got a chance to play with all four and
they each proved to be great guys as well as great players.
The question I have is how could these four classy guys be associated
with the bottom-of-the-barrel losers that make up the Blumpee
Tournament. It just doesn't compute. But you may notice by looking at
the leaderboard how the cream always rises to the top.
I agree with your first set of statements.
Beyond that, I take great exception to the phrase 'bottom-of-the-barrel losers' - where I think you refer to me. Let me tell you something else - I am King of the D players - so what does that tell you? Huh, Mister Smarty-pants? Not a loser...
...just need a lesson,
February 24, 1999
Hey! I'm really looking forward to spending a great weekend with you guys, but I haven't heard anything since I sent you that check for the full amount. As you requested, I made it out to "Cash. I checked with the bank and they said the check cleared just fine, but I still haven't heard which room I'm in or what courses we're playing. I'm so excited to see you again, pal, after those special moments we shared back when the event was a plumbee. I asked Mick and Gary and they both looked at the floor and walked very quickly
away. When is the tournament? I've been working on my game and I'm raring to go.
Your pal (when monkeys fly out of my ass)
Imagine my glee when I got your e-mail. Since we only had 19 golfers, you could've gone free this year - but I've heard that you are whipped - so this time - I urge you to start sniveling and sucking up to that wife of yours now, so you can get back into the 2000 tourney. I'm sure that when you are out of town, she'll enjoy the free time to sleep around without having to sneak!
That's why Gary and Mick looked away - the realization of you being cuckolded AND fleeced was too much for those sensitive fellows.
So - start hiding money, and get ready for BLUMPEE 2000 - February 25-28, 2000.
Keep feeding those monkeys, both they and you love bananas up that wide ass!
With God's Love,
January 9, 1999
How the hell are you? Oh yeah, you got married. Never mind. Well, I gave birth to a 3 oz. baby boy cyst, cesarian section frommy back. I'm not supposed to swing a club for 3 months. But like a REAL Blumpee man I'll be there at the annual outing. Better get Spence and me a "cripple" decal for our golf cart.
Anyway, see you in a month or so.
P.S. We still going camping sometime?
Finally, a letter that I didn't have to "spice up", I'm mean edit. You are righteous dude. There are some who think that a little injury (like a shattered ankle) will somehow detract from their golfing ability. Even worse, these same people are afraid to risk permanent injury if they go the Blumpee Open! Well, I'm glad you aren't one of them, Ed! Camping? Sure, buddy. It'll be "Deliverance - Part II."
Squeal like a pig, baby,
January 9, 1999
I see that Rod has some friends coming down with him, so my roommate
requests that I sent you is no longer correct. It's still me, Palotas
and Alan English, but I don't know who the fourth is. I'm still working on Taylor. He acts like he wants to. I even offered to rub his feet after each round. That's as far as I'll go, but can I offer him a blumpee from you on Saturday night?
Sincerely in Jesus' Name,
Gary McGriff, 5 time Blompee Open Champion
You know I actually would reverse my normal role as blump-ee to that of blump-er for the "Old Goat" - but alas he won't be in Myrtle at the same time. So I guess it will be up to the "Rookies" to hold up the Blumpee motto: "It is better to receive than to give - unless you are a Rookie!"
November 17, 1998
Don't know what you heard from Spence, but I'll tell you the real story. We were at the first tee at 8:45 on a Sunny November day. There was some dew. Steve forgot his golf shoes, but it looked like he had a good stance. His left foot slipped and all of a sudden he falls off the ball washer and breaks his leg.
John Palotas, 1998 Blumpee Champion
Well, well, welll. Thank goodness we got the story straight! Spence was tryng his crazy "Dipsy Doodle" drive using that Whale of a driver. I TOLD him he'd hurt himself. He said he just slipped, with his left foot going forward, as he began his downstroke. So, it is freak accident alright, Spence made it freakier!
With a great big GET WELL,
How's the weather in Chicago. The weather is beautiful in North Carolina and I am going golfing today. Please let everybody know that they are invited to Fayetteville for Pre-Blumpee festivities including a practice round of golf on Thursday and cookout Thursday night. We have or can find room for everyone that wants to come. Steve said that he was flying into Raleigh on Wednesday night. Last year I think that we had seven or eight guys that stayed over on
the way to Myrtle Beach. It would be nice if you could attend.
Time to talk to the coach!
Who IS this Coach everyone is talking about? In any case, thanks for the kind offer, we'll e-mail you as the time approaches.
With warmest regards,
October 26, 1998
I am Paid up....I am in!!!
Update the page!
Timmy is too thin to play this year!
Tom (The Deal) Dowd
Wow - just what we need - the Monica Lewinsky of the husky transgender set!
With heartfelt sympathy,
Another successful Blumpee tournament has come and gone with loads of hijinks and merriment, but somehow I feel empty inside - like a lover has left me for another. I feel a void that can't be explained. I'm
lonely. Please advise.
Plaqueless in New York
Void?! Let's see, four days of golf, drinking, hijinks and merriment --- and you feel empty. Old man, it's called a hangover and in your case, toss in post traumatic shock syndrome! You thought we were all hacks, huh? You didn't think anyone could beat the mighty Gary!? Boo-hoo! A void, a lover leaving you? Why don't you go console yourself by listening to your collection of ABBA records over & over... until you get another feeling - THEN write back for more advice!
With warmest regards,
March 9, 1998
The muzzle has been in my mouth a few times, but I can't seem to muster the strength to pull the trigger. Please advise.
Crownless in New York
Strength?! How much strength does it take to try again next year? For God's sake, you won the first 5 years. Are you saying that the Blumpee Open is a type of 'Nirvana' and you are some sort of Kurt Cobain? Pull the trigger! Then we'll be 'clown-less'!
Suck it up, boy!,
March 25, 1998
When are you going to fill the rest of us in on the blumpee? I was hoping spence would win this year.
Your boy Stevie choked bigtime (I mean aside from the numerous blumpees) and shot a 110 - which dropped him way out of contention. Gary took over your spot, though. Hurry back - we need golfers who don't wilt under the pressure!
March 21, 1998
I was listening to Howard Stern the other morning and they were talking about their different fantasies. Jackie the Jokeman said that his fantasy was to be on the toilet and have a girl crawl over to him and give it to him. Sounds like a Blumpee to me.
Big John Ploeger
April 28, 1998
I need your help. I had a whirlwind pursuit of a love in south carolina recently. To make a long story short I came back to Ohio with my new love, as well as her sister. I'm certain the sister will be gone in a year, but I'd like to hang on to my new love.
The problem is I have a rival in New York. My love has been the object of his affection for 5 years. I think I blindsided him with my pursuit. I have a moral dilema. I feel like I stole her away but have no guilt!! My question is, Am I a heartless bastard or is this just part of being a blumpist?
Plaqued in Ohio
Well, well, well... a letter meant to goad Gary. I LIKE IT! The Blumpee Open needs a little spice. Back to your 'problems'...
First of all, it is perfectly OK to hook up with your new love and her sister. Many down South do that all the time - even if he is their brother. Hang on to your love, baby! Li'l sister is a one time shot. Now, your rival - remember what they say in golf: it doesn't matter who is playing behind you - the only thing that matters is who's in front of you. Long live the new KING! Believe me, buddy, there was a young Prince from Michigan who almost stole the New Yorker's love... so his affection has never been more than a suitor away. You took it! Do you think Mark O'Meara felt bad about dumping Freddy Couples? Neither did Freddy's first wife!
SEE YOUR LETTER - HERE!!